In Today’s Idiot News–Masturbation and the Women’s Movement

Pastor Joshua has done it again. According to the latest news on that ridiculous blog, the Women’s Movement was responsible for the increase in female masturbation.

The majority of his post deals with male masturbation, but of course it would; women do not “waste” an egg each time they masturbate. I would think that, at the least, Pastor Joshua could see that the Women’s Movement increased masturbation among both sexes. I mean, really, if we go to work and don’t have time to “service” (his words, don’t hate me!) our men does it not stand to reason that they would be masturbating more as well? Sadly, Pastor Joshua does not make reference to this argument. Instead, he sticks to the old standbys that dancing, rock music, and television are the causes of masturbation. Oh, and on a later part of the post, apparently underwear ads in the daily newspaper are too.

Well, maybe that’s my problem. I used to sneak out of the house with books I wasn’t “supposed” to read at the time. I would grab the complete works of Jane Austen and hide in the back yard, but I never learned about masturbation from Austen. Perhaps I didn’t read between the lines.

That’s not to say that I did not discover masturbation. We all do. Funny, I didn’t need any help to find my clit. I don’t remember how it happened, but I remember very distinctly “Finding it” one night in the bath. There was no prompting, no informative television ad, and I’m not even certain I knew what I was doing. All I knew was that it felt GOOD!

It never became an obsession. I had school and soccer and violin lessons to obsess over. Sure, I found my clit, but I was more obsessed with making First Chair in the city’s junior orchestra at the time. (Feel free to insert American Pie reference here, but realize that it was not pertinent.) I practiced so much that my fingers bled on a nightly basis. So, masturbation was out of the question.

I listened to my fair share of rock music, hair bands, and punk. That did not make me obsess over my clit. In fact, I don’t think I really “got” some of the music when it was a hit. I didn’t “get” Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” for several years. But, what can I say, I was slow to develop the pervert gene.

Even now, as I sit here in my late 20s, with a wonderful man in my life, I masturbate. Why? Because I enjoy my sex life. I wonder if that’s a sin? I’ll have to check. However, when your sex life goes on an out of town job, it’s a bit harder to have the said sex life. So I’ll go to bed a bit early or stay in bed a while longer in the morning. But I don’t need a porn, I don’t need television, and I certainly don’t need the underwear ads that Pastor Joshua swears should be burned. (Truthfully, I agree with that statement. But I agree because I hate the stereotype that underwear models put into girls’ heads about the “ideal body.” It has nothing to do with potential masturbation fodder.)

Will I ever stop masturbating? I hope not. It’s a great stress reliever when the man isn’t around to relieve it the old fashioned way. Does that mean I’m going to hell? No. It’s hard to “go” to a place you don’t believe in. And for you loyal Christian readers I have, I want to say go ahead. Grab the Astro-Glide or the KY (their new scented ones are great) slap a little on your fingers and enjoy yourself. I’m certain “God” would not have given you a clit and a G-spot if he hadn’t wanted you to enjoy them. It’s not like these are evolved parts, right?